WIBWI – Real Life Star Wars

Wouldn’t it be weird if everything that was portrayed in the “Star Wars” universe (movies, games, books) became real life? Let me just say this right off the bat, if I had to choose an epic classic movie to become real life, I would pick Star Wars, who wouldn’t? Some goons out there might try to sneak a Star Trek vote in there and those people should go away and hide because they deserve a bony elbow right to the face. Star Wars is the best, even Episodes 1-3 because why wouldn’t you want a podracer?! That is worth the Gungans who would probably be genocided anyway. Lets look at the facts:

Pros:

  • Lightsabers are awesome.
  • You can fly around in spaceships
  • Tons of planets to hang out on
  • Alien ladies with three boobs (wrong movie but anything is possible.)

Cons:

  • Constant war and crime
  • Laser guns are pretty gay
  • There is a much larger chance of you being a farmer or something lame than a Jedi or something cool
  • Getting lightning shot at your head
  • Not knowing who your real father is until he cuts your hand off

Now I bet someone reading this is like “Hey it sounds like you think this scenario would be more cool than weird.” Yea, your right, it would be really cool AND weird. It can be both so just take off that Star Trek shirt and take your elbowing like a man, I recognized you as soon as you walked in, did you really think I wouldn’t?!

The change over would happen right away too. One day you would just wake up, look out the window and say “Oh snap! Star Wars is real now!” I can’t really explain how it wouldn’t just be chaos but for whatever reason everything like the government and economy would already be in place. Yes, I know it doesn’t make sense but it’s Star Wars so just stop nitpicking and enjoy it.

Dear Jon Hamm (NO RESPONSE)

I write weird letters to your favorite celebrities. I send them in physical form and through email. I have yet to get a response or a restraining order. In this letter I invite American treasure/heartthrob Jon Hamm to hang out with the guys and my kids (dogs).

Dear Jon Hamm

Hey Jon (can I call you Jon?) you don’t know me, but I think that you should. I am a really cool guy and I think you are as well so we should hangout. A little bit about me:

My name is Zac, I’m 34 years YOUNG (lol), I live in the beautiful state of New Jersey with my two wonderful children (Roxie: 5 yr old Boston Terrier, and Bilbo: 2 yr old Labordoodle). Yes, I am one of those guys that refers to my dogs as children, but when you meet them you will see why!

I am just a single guy who loves to have fun with the guys. I have a group of friends that come over and just hangout seven days a week. That’s right, seven days, we’re animals. We’re all huge fans of your work and agreed that you would be totally awesome to hangout with. Here is a little taste of our weekly schedule for this month:

Sundays: SUPER MOVIE SUNDAY. On Sunday’s we watch movies and eat gourmet popcorn. We soon decided that it was too fun to end after one movie so we now do three movies! It starts at 2:00 and everyone brings a different popcorn from the website popcornfanatics.com which is pretty much the Jelly Belly of popcorn. WARNING: things can get a little silly, and kernels might be tossed!

Monday: MELLOW MONDAY. Everyone needs a mellow Monday. After our 9 to 5′s we all gather at my pad, sit around the table with our favorite hot beverages and just vent. It’s a simple night, very relaxing, and sometimes very emotional.

Tuesday: TOURNAMENT TUESDAYS. Tuesday is when it goes down. We have an Olympic style tournament that ends with a wrestling match between the last two contestants. It’s great exercise. We play fooseball, ping pong, badminton, ect. It’s all out war, no friends tonight!

Wednesday: WET WEDNESDAY. We love swimming! Who doesn’t?! We all pack up and go to our local YMCA’s indoor HEATED pool. Yea, heated. It’s just like taking a giant bath with all of your best buds. Marco Polo, diving challenges, and water volleyball will be happening.

Thursday: TRIVIA THURSDAY. We all go to our local Applebees and participate in their weekly trivia night. Our team is full though so if you go, you’d need to join another team. (good luck sucker!)

Friday: FREEFORM FUN FRIDAY. Friday is a wild card. TGIF right?! Every Friday it is a different person’s turn to pick an activity. In the past it has been bowling, dancing, pottery class, slam poetry, and even an Aerosmith concert once! Fridays are just a wild boys night out out! No girls allowed!

Saturday: SHAKESPEARE SATURDAY. So you are going to love this Jon. The first three Saturday’s of each month we all sit down to write and rehearse an original Shakespearean style play. Then, on the last Saturday we go to the local nursing homes and put on a show. The seniors love it. They are so adorable and it is very rewarding. I promise I will write a perfect part for you Jon.

So just let me know if you want to hangout Jon, as you can see, we’re just a wild bunch of down to earth guys. We would love to have you! Peace and love in all you do!

Hope to hear from you soon, Zac.

W.I.B.W.I – Superpowers

Wouldn’t it be weird if we could actually get superpowers? Super strength, flight, mind reading, all that jazz. The only realistic way this could happen is through genetic modification. If we were ever going to get powers from being bit by a radioactive animal, someone would already be prancing around as “The Amazing Cat-Man” by now. Just give that fantasy up because it is not happening and you can stop “rescuing” cats.

Scientists will figure out a way to give us powers and eventually, with a little bit of cash, you could start customizing your paranormal accessories. In this day and age, our government would heavily regulate it and have some mass cutoff switch or something that would turn everyone back to normal. Just in case.

As awesome as this would be, there are drawbacks, mainly being that the world is not ready for super powers. Just imagine: A man named Billy Ray sits on his porch somewhere in southern Tennessee. He finishes his eighth beer and and crushes the can in his hands, then tosses it aside.With his rifle across his lap he grabs rounds from a box at his feet and loads them into the gun. He is waiting for his hunting buddy to arrive, it’s duck season and he is planning on bringing home dinner. All of a sudden he sees a man in a business suit flying over head, carrying a briefcase. Billy Ray stands up and wobbles down the stairs into his yard. In a drunken stupor he takes aim at the man, and then starts firing. Luckily, in this story the drunk hick can’t aim properly and misses the man who actually turns out to just be a leaf floating down from a high tree, but still, it could of been a man and eventually someone is going to get hurt.

Now I’m not saying that it wouldn’t be useful to have superpowers. Building inspectors could use x-ray vision. Construction workers could use super strength to move stuff instead of heavy machinery, and judges could read peoples minds. On the flipside, that inspector could look through girl’s shirts, that construction worker could steal a bank vault and that judge could steal your Wi-Fi password and totally clog up your speed. That’s what we’ll have to worry about, if people have powers then there is definetly going to be super villains.

Heroes wouldn’t be a huge deal realistically, but villains would be. Hitler was probably our last real villain and he did that whole holocaust thing with no super powers (or so we’re told). Just imagine if he had super powers? That would have been some real trouble, that guy was an asshole.

Top 5 funniest superpowers:

 5.The ability to shrink or grow anyone’s penis. You would be the ultimate bad ass, no one would ever mess with you for fear of being given a Chapstick penis.

4.Changing people’s emotions. You could walk into a place and get rid  of everyone’s inhibitions. No one would care about anything and it would be a constant party everywhere you went. Unfortunately a bunch of people would probably get sexually assaulted or murdered

3.Telekinetic powers would make pulling off elaborate pranks pretty simple.

2.The ability to change people’s clothes at will. A guy at the bar wearing a Tapout shirt would suddenly be wearing a Lady Gaga tank top. Also sports games?! Change the entire stadiums shirts to the rival teams shirt? That might actually cause some riots in certain cities. (Boston, you animals…)

1.The ability to turn into Jerry Seinfeld at will.  (obviously)

I Ran Into The Woods

The following are excerpts from a small moleskin journal that was found in a clearing deep the woods outside Lincoln, Nebraska. The journal is currently thought to be that of one Lewis Larson who never arrived to work on the date of May the fifteenth and was officially reported missing the following day. 

May 15: I ran into the woods. I just couldn’t take it anymore. The people, my job, my mortgage, my kids, my wife, it’s all just too much. Have you watched reality TV?! It’s insane! How am I supposed to live like this? I’m going to be 35 tomorrow and what do I have to show for it? Mediocrity. 

For the past few years I’ve often found myself dreaming of a life where my only responsibility was to live. When was the last time the average American citizen really lived? I gather some of us have yet to do so. I would daydream about life on the road as a vagabond, or possibly that of a simple farmer before the turn of the Industrial Revolution, even the life of a prisoner serving a jail sentence was appealing to me. So I did the only thing I could do, I ran into the woods.

May 16: I survived the first night and it was enjoyable to sleep under the stars. However, I now regret not packing a bag or bringing any kind of food, but in the words of Gloria: I will survive. I found a clearing yesterday with a large tree. The tree had a hole rotted into the base which proved to be quite cozy after I got used to it. My mind wanders to my wife and children, have I abandoned them? They are so concerned with their cell phones and computers that I’m sure they don’t even realize that I’m gone. My wife and I have not been intimate in months, and we are barely more than acquaintances at this point. Plus, she has been talking to and hanging out with her work friend Jared multiple nights a week now. I suspect that they have begun an affair. Today I will forage for nuts and berries and create a makeshift shelter. I have never felt more alive.

May 17: Yesterday I managed to collect enough berries, nuts, mushrooms and water from a stream to last me a few days. My little hole in a tree is looking not too shabby either. I managed to take what little knowledge I learned from Boy Scouts and built a small fire last night! I have never felt like more than a man. I miss my children, but they are at that age where they hated me. I will contact them in a few years and tell them my story, I’m sure they will understand. My wife on the other hand, I’ve  found that I do not miss at all, she was a bitch and I am better off without her. I do however still find myself longing for companionship from time to time. 

May 18: I woke up today to find a squirrel wandering around my camp. I fed her a few nuts and berries and she has stayed with me in my camp all day. I have found myself enjoying talking to the squirrel, I know it cannot understand me, but it is therapeutic to be able to talk.

May 21: I haven’t been journaling because I’ve been having so much fun with my squirrel friend! I’ve decided to name her Elizabeth and she follows me everywhere. She even sleeps in the shelter with me at night. It is nice to have a life companion again. I have never been happier.

June 2: Elizabeth and I are getting married. We have so much in common. She is also an outcast from her society, with ungrateful children and a unfaithful husband. I am so excited to start our life together! I have never been more in love!

June 15: Elizabeth and I have decided to move out to a larger shelter closer to the stream. We also encountered our first little speedbump in our marriage when the topic of having children came up. It was a little grim in the house that night when we realized that due to our unique situation we would not ever be able to have children of our own, or even be intimate for that matter. We have each other though, and that is all that really matters. Elizabeth also reminded me that adoption is always an option.

June 20: Elizabeth and I had our first dispute today. It was a rough one. She didn’t like the way I arranged the twig table in the new dining room and threw a fit. I’ll admit that I didn’t really put my heart into it, it’s just that it’s so small and I can never use it, myself being a bit larger than a squirrel. I am also not proud to say that I did strike Elizabeth. I don’t know what got into me! I’ve never hit anyone before, but she said some very hurtful things and before I knew it my finger slapped across her little furry cheek. She then bit my big toe which really hurt. She slept in a tree that night. I have never felt more ashamed.

June 22: Elizabeth and I have reconciled and she has moved back into the stick house. However I fear that it may never be the same between us. She says that she forgives me, but I can see fear and resentment in those little brown eyes. I have never made a bigger mistake.

In early July, reports began surfacing of a homeless man wandering suburban Lincoln. The man is allegedly wearing a tattered blue oxford shirt, a tie, and only boxerbriefs. According to reports, a small squirrel occasionally pops out of his shirt pocket and eats a berry out of the man’s hand. The man has also been seen gently kissing the squirrel on many occasions. Lincoln Police advise the community to report any sightings of this man and to avoid all contact.

W.I.B.W.I – Aspiring Elephant Writers

Wouldn’t it be weird if all elephants could use type writers and were aspiring writers? We all know that elephants never forget anything, that’s just science, but how weird would it be if they also wrote it all down?

Elephants all live to be 98 (also science) so we would always have an up to date historical journal covering events from all over the world. The elephant’s transcripts would be collected and compiled once a year, every year, on March 12th. The only annoying part is that it would be from an elephant’s point of view. They would be all like “So more humans are at war here in the middle east, I fear that this confl…TIGER!

Before you ask, yes, typewriters. Elephants can easily grab a stick with their trunk and peck away at typewriter keys. Wouldn’t a computer be easier you ask? How about a blog set up over a simple Wi-Fi network you say? Monitor, mouse, screen, keyboard, we’re talking about an animal here you pretentious douche. Do you really think an elephant can comprehend social networking?! Yea, maybe Google Blogger with it’s simple controls and streamlined format that makes it accessible to even the most amateur web blogger of any age, but WordPress?! LiveJournal?! You can just pack up and get outta town my friend. Plus, elephants are suckers for vintage. That’s also science.

The only real problem is those dirty little monkeys. The animal, not the band of course. Science has proven that if you get a bunch of monkeys, a bunch of typewriters, and a bunch of bananas in the same area, they will recreate Shakespeare. Monkeys are not really afraid of elephants so there would be TONS of stolen typewriters leaving huge gaps in that year’s anthology and tons of Shakespeare, which we have more than enough of already. Some possible solutions:

1. Kill every monkey? Too hard and messy. Also there is a chance of a monkey uprising once they get wind of the eventual genocide. Then we would all have major monkey problems and I would gladly give up elephant journals in exchange for not getting my balls and face torn off.

2. Set up electric shock nodes on the typewriter that can only be deactivated by an elephant scanning it’s trunk snout on a specialized trunk-snout scanning unit. Good idea, but if elephants can’t figure out LiveJournal then I think trunk snout scanners would be out of the question.

I can only think of those two ideas, which are both terrible. I say we should just let the animals figure it out. If it doesn’t happen, no biggie. Who would want to read a whiny hipster elephant’s stupid j, ournal anyways?

W.I.B.W.I – BulletProof Tigers

Wouldn’t it be weird if tigers were bulletproof? Actually, it wouldn’t be weird, it would be terrifying. Why? Because tigers are the most dangerous animal on earth. They are faster than bears, and stronger than lions. Those are the two most badass animals I can think of and tigers make them both look like wimps. So how do tigers become bulletproof? That is the weird part.

On a remote island a mad scientist strolls about his secret hideout. Cages line the perimeter of a large room. In the cages tigers pace and growl as the scientist walks by. One cage is empty. The mad scientist pulls on rubber gloves as he walks through double doors into an operating room. A sleeping tiger is laying on a medical table. He injects the tiger with a syringe and it becomes bulletproof. I don’t know how, it’s just science stuff that we wouldn’t understand so don’t worry about it. Since we have already established that the person who created the bulletproof tigers is a mad scientist it would make sense that his next step would be to let them run free in major cities and destroy humanity so that he can take over the world or something. That is exactly what he does.

This would be terrible because I’m pretty sure tigers are all maniacs and are just waiting for the opportunity to start killing humans. This is that opportunity. The cops would be useless, they would just shoot at the tigers and make them angry and then get mauled. The army might be able to get a couple with rocket launchers, but that would be tough in a city environment. Not to mention that the tigers would be so amped up off their killing sprees that they would just make tiger babies all night. Bulletproof tiger babies.

So we would have to find a way to kill these tigers before they have kittens. Otherwise, it would grow out of control. From my vast backlog of tiger knowledge, and not Google, I can tell you that the gestation period for tigers is 93 to 111 days. That is not a lot of time. What would be do? Tigers are too fast for tanks and explosives, we can’t fight them hand to hand, and they are too smart to be poisoned.

Ninjas are obviously the answer. Ninjas are fast enough to get the drop on the tigers and bulletproof armor doesn’t protect very well against blades. The ninjas would swoop in and save huminaty. Then, after they gained our trust, the ninja would enslave us and force us to mine for gold and make origami.

W.I.B.W.I – We Were All Beautiful

Wouldn’t it be weird if we were all beautiful. I don’t mean individually beautiful, I mean if every person was the definition of beauty. Every man and woman would look just like the perfect human. For example, say 2005 Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were the most beautiful people on the planet. I know they weren’t, but most people know who they are and would totally do it with either of them, so it works, chill.

So every man would look like Brad and every woman would be Angelina. The first odd thing that you will notice is that if you really think about it, they become less attractive. If you knew that if you ever had sex with anyone, it would be with Brad, he would just be boring after a few sessions. I know that sounds crazy because he has like a great body, and such a handsome face and really comforting eyes that you can just get lost in and whenever you would look at him and lock eyes you would just know that no matter what happens, that things will eventually be okay in this crazy little ride we call life. The first couple of times would still be awesome, for girls of course!

The second odd thing to think about is that people strive for individualism. So everyone would be constantly tweaking their look to try to do something different and people would not be about to keep up to the heath and beauty routines of the real Brad and Angie. There would be fat bald Brads in sweatpants and crocs, and bleached blonde Angelinas in wearing shorts that say “JUICY”.

The third odd thing is that if an ugly person was ever born, they would probably be highly sought after. Even if they are technically unattractive, people would be attracted to them simply for the fact that they are unique, something different. (Fun Project: make this topical by thinking of an ugly celebrity that is currently popular and then laugh to yourself at their expense. Congrats, we just make a joke together!)

That is all purely hypothetical of course and does not apply to the current world we live in. If you are reading this and are ugly, do not go hang out with supermodel twins thanking that people will find you attractive instead of them. No one will, it will backfire. You being near them will only make them look even better and at best you might get the scraps. And really, you don’t want the scraps, scraps are always sweaty creeps.

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